Cruise Control.

I'm driving down a road.

it's dark

like midnight

like a black hole.


Dark like driving through the country..where there are no street lights for miles.


I drive around a sharp curve

I believe I am following someone

another car ahead.


I slow down

and notice 2 animals laying on their sides

dead.

Sandy in color

like the hills it seems I am driving around.

Like whoever was here before me

was unlucky enough

to strike out

twice.



Straightening the curve

the road ahead keeps throwing me turns

I seem to be going too fast for


I'm trying to slow down.


My head lights seem to dim

like I'm driving into

the very pits of hell.

A bleeding inkstain.

And I'm losing sight of the vehicle in front of me

nervously trying to turn on my brights

and handle my steering wheel


Before I completely loose control





When my eyes flutter awake

I'm laying on the same old couch

My head wrapped in blankets

My cell phone gripped in my hand


and for some reason

in my half concious state

I keep thinking of you

while my stomach churns.


And I think I may have had another dream

(or maybe more like another nightmare)

where I found myself in a room

in a house I didnt know

in a bathroom I've never seen

with tiles that may have been white

but are stained with grey filth

and dirt in the cracks

and I think I see

6 legged creatures crawling across the floor


When I end up outside

on a nicely manicured lawn

next to a dark sand colored house

like desert clay

I remember seeing your face.

And maybe you were trying to tell me something

but I can't remember a word you may have said.


I'm laying here

on that same old couch

It was 101 degrees outside today.

I took a 30 minute nap

and awoke when the sun was starting to set

with a million questions running through my mind


wondering just what I should do


with this newly acquired

subconcious

information.

Hide.

I feel like I'm being eaten alive.

Ghosts.

I don't like liking people.


The end result is always the same.




And as it often goes,

I will take you

And make you another memory

Another story

Another ghost.

I will put you away in one of those boxes.

Hidden away somewhere dark.

You will be just another feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Like all of the files stored away

Like all of the empty hallways I walk down,feeling the walls.Wondering if I should open something again or keep it shut.

And everytime I think the same old thing...

I never wanted any of this



I told a boy once

"You and me,we're bound to do this forever"


The funny thing is,I'm certian its just me.

I'm bound to do this to myself.

Be haunted by my memories

And turn people into ghosts.



I've aquired quite the collection.




One day the fire I will start from all these memories will be the only thing that keeps me warm at night.

10pm.

It's 10pm.Friday night,and he's already asleep.
Outside I can hear people laughing.Drinking.Conversing.

I'm here in this room with perfect hardwood floors.A bed with

expensive sheets.I have someone laying next to me,but in this

moment I haven't felt so alone.

And all I can think about is what I wouldn't give to be back

where I was.

And all I can remember is the smell of popcorn.Dim

lights.Sunscreen and sunburns.Cold nights.I'm realising I'm

already starting to forget your laugh.The sound of your voice.

How much more time will go by before I don't remember you at

all?

You always used to leave a mark.Now my skin has no pigment.

I'm laying in this bed.Stranded..like I'm on an island.His back is

to me,and he might as well be miles away.

And I am thinking of all the things I would be doing tonight if it

were you instead.



I stained those expensive sheets with my memories of you.

Reckoner.

Because we separate like

ripples on a blank shore

(in rainbows)


Reckoner

Take me with you.

My Day.

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?

I am human and I need to be loved...







....Just like everybody else does.

Writers Block.

I haven't written in a while.

Not just on here.I have a 5 year journal that I neglect on average of 3 days at a time.Then,when I start feeling bad,I go back over the last few days events as if I was writing them on the days the occured.Living in the past in the present can be dangerous,even on a simplistic level.And with the way things have been going,its hard to find anything to say that I even want to talk about.

Dont get me wrong.Some of my best writing has been from a place of despreation.Lonliness.Wanting.

I have a lot on my mind and no disire to try and sort it out by my own means.I've been trying to go with the flow.I can't tell if its even working.I feel detached,so maybe it is..in a way.

I bought a black hardcover journal 2 weeks ago.Nothing has been written in it.

Why am I sitting around fucking things off?

I'm finally getting some time to myself.The condo has been empty.I was able to start my polaroid project and shoot my 1st DIY set..which I was planning on sending into DN.

My hair is long and deep burgandy.I'm enjoying it a whole hell of a lot.I'm trying to get back into the gym track of things.When my Mom was in town it kinda fucked my schdeual all up,though I was definatley happy she was here.

I really miss working.

Things I love....

Museums,science,marine biology and the study of the ocean,History (but not general american history in the last 300 years,its so boring...)Tangible memories (pictures,letters,mementos)Antiques and Antique stores (The vibe is amazing..don't you think?) The feeling you get when you're in the wildnerness and can feel how old and untouched the land is,like it's alive with spirits,and that you're connected to it all (no,I'm not crazy).Home improvement magizines (Martha Stewart,anyone?).Good food with good views.I'm sucker for sushi.Going to the beach early in the morning while it's still foggy and very cold.The silent hours of the world that exist between 3 and 6 am,when everything is blue.When its so cold I can make clouds with my breath.Hot showers.Christmas lights at midnight.When its foggy,dark,and extremely windy.(I'm an air sign :D).Old black and white photos from the 1900-1950s.I'm pretty much obsessed with those time periods in their entirey-from fashion,way of life,and the simplicty of beauty.I love planning new art projects.I love art (that isn't pretentious).I love being inspired.
I love the idea of spending all day in a comfy bed with someone special,watching movies,staying warm,and just loving their company. (I have yet to acomplish this,but I really hope to).The ability to go to the store in my pjs and know I'm still beautiful(on the right days...).Carnivals and street fairs (the food,the mood,the lights!).Photobooths.Old cameras.Laughing til it hurts.The little moments that mean everything.The feeling you get when you know you're falling in love.I have a penchant for birds,trees,moths and butterflies,many colored fish,things with tentitcles...basically many animals of flight and sea.Have you ever seen the devil squid? He's the ultimate definition of coolness.
I love things with color.I love colors.I can never answer the "what's your favorite color" question.If I could be a crayon,I'd be all of them.
I'm preoccupied by beauty.I aspire to own a ton of clothes and makeup,a million pairs of shoes.It's my ambition to make things that make people feel beautiful for a living,(including myself) inside an out.
I love tattoos that tell a story.Scars too.I love learning things about you not many people know.Its these things that make a person who they are(and it's incredible.)
The sound of a train comming in the middle of the night is one of the best sounds that exists.The smell of hot train tracks in the summer takes me back to a simpler time.I love my memories.They totally captivate me.
I like things that are round and small.Anything orbital in shape makes me smile.(This is a major reason why I need to make sure I have an assload of cash before going to Japan.Speaking of far away lands...)I want to travel.I used to fear it,now I want nothing more than to experiance new places with some of my favorite people by my side.
The piano and violin(I want to learn to play both).
Italian is a beautiful language I hope someday to know.
Dancing,all kinds of dancing.Dancing in your undies while cleaning the house might just be the best,though.I love when things are clean and organized(I feel more at peace).
When I am enamoured by the mystery of an individual.Sexual tension.Stockings and garter belts.Period fashion.I have a bit of a smoke fetish.Late night drives.The boonies on a warm summer day.The way open feilds smell.When the sun starts setting on a nice day,by the beach in San Francisco...walking along the ledge by Sloat beach and the Cliff House.Summer adventures.The Fall,and Winter.Walking on the levee..uvas creek road.When you go back to school and all your stuff is new.New paper,new pens.Apple gum.Sour mints and sour candy.Loose leaf tea.The way a shopping Mall feels after it closes and you're the only one still walking inside.Hands,fingers,breath.Wispers in your ear.Intellegence and the ability to be clever.Dark hair and wicked smiles.Reading a really good book, or seeing a good movie.The smell of coffee.Driftwood bonfires.Candlelight.Vanilla incense.The way my cat meows at me when I'm bringing her a bowl of water(shes too adoreable).
I love working.I feel like I'm more productive with my days.(and enjoy the peace in knowing I have money in my bank account all the time).That feeling I get when I just bought something new and awesome.Songs that make me fall into myself.Complete and total transcendance.People who are genuine.That perfect
kind of comfortable underneath your covers.When my Mom is excited about something.When my Dad is being a dork.That my Sister is the only person who knows more about me than I do.Old pinup postcards.Ancient lighters (I collect zippos).Antique keys and hand mirrors.Old Cars.Teapots and tea shops.The smell of a match when it burns out.The sound of rain.Playing hookey(or the memories of it,rather).Craft stores.When you find the perfect gift for someone.Being sentimental.Trinkets from Chinatown.They way another persons skin can feel on mine.The moment where you become so lost in someone else and the moment itself.(I think there is no greater high than this)

I'm sure I lfet some things out,but you get the gist! ^___-

25 Random Things

1.I have always wanted to go to the beach with someone early in the morning with warm coffees and big jackets.This is my perfect morning.


2.I'm extremely nostolgic.My memories are both a curse and a blessing.They both haunt me and inspire me.Almost all my tattoos represent this in one way or another,and the rest I plan to get will as well.

3.For this reason,I'm very sentimental.I love tangibile emotions and memories.I save many keepsakes.Its the little things that impress me most.

4.Learning something about someone not many people know is something I cherish.I feel like great,uninhibted conversation is mental foreplay.

5.I find Marine Biology to be incredibly fascinating.It was my favorite course in High School,and my teacher told me if I didn't persue a career in it it'd be a crime.


6.The National Geographic Channel has been one of my favorite brodcast networks since I was a kid.


7.I have had crippiling anxiety problems since I was 4 years old.I used to have severe panic attacks anywere from 1-10 times a month.I have been able to get it under control for about 2 years now,but I still experiance the occasional full blown panic attack and very much so still experiance general anxiety several times a month.I have never sought professional treatment and fight with myself regularly on weather or not to go through with it.


8.I love kissing.


9.I am currently the CFO of my own business..Bad Apple Apparel.Me and my sister run the company and plan to offically launch before the end of 2009.We make vintage reproduction clothing,starting with a womens line and then moving on to menswear.Our clothes are better than yours...so suck it.


10.I have become enamoured with the idea of traveling.I plan to keep travel journals and document my trips with photos and mementos.


11.I have an unusual yet powerful sexual attraction to beards.I believe 90% of the male population instantly become hotter when facial hair is added into the equation.Not because its hiding any 'imperfections' however.More so the brute male virility facial hair seems to evoke in me.


12.I wanna fuck you like an animal.



13.My 1st 2 years of school I didn't talk to anyone.I was very shy.Times where I had to speak publicly to the class,my best friend Alex would speak for me after I whispered what I wanted him to say in his ear.I used to spend most of my recess alone making daisy chains,something an Irish yard duty taught me how to do.She kept me company sometimes.I'm not sure what happened that made me get over it,but I was a social butterfly all throughout the rest of my acedemic run.

14.Everytime I'm in the hallway my cat,Kiki,follows me and lays down on the floor.She rolls around and purrs while I do my pilates.

15.I'm a sucker for theme parks and carnival street fairs.

16.Twitter has fast become one of my favorite internet hotspots.I wish I updated my blog as much as I do my Twitter account.


17.I love taking photos and wish I had more photos of people.Too many people become inhibited when a camera is around.

18.I have met some of the most awesome girl friends in the past year and its a major bummer that they are all scattered across the country.


19.I bruise extremely easily.I get many and often have no idea as to how they got there.The combination of being on bc and just being a chick makes my iorn levels low,and I am terrible about remembering to take my vitamins.The only time I seem to have a terrible gag refelx is when I'm taking my vitamins in sucession.Usually by pill 3 I'm feeling sick and have to take a break.(This is probably why Im not consistant about taking them daily)

20.I come from a very traditonal,old school Sicilian family.I love being Sicilian and Irish.I'm quite proud of my hertiage and plan to visit both countries.

21.I sing in the car.All the time.I love it.And what do you know..I'm acctually not terrible ;D

22.I have a sick,unrelenting crush on Charlie Kelly from It's Always Sunny In Philedelphia.If he wasn't married I'd use my family hook ups (I'm related to Danny De Vito,who plays Frank) to get into Charlie's pants.


23.I stopped drinking soda when I was 13.I will still have some on occasion,but often regret it because it gives me a killer stomach ache almost instantly.

24.I've worn hair extensions for the last 4 years.Every time my hair gets close to being long,some hair stylist fucks it up and I have to start at square one all over again.I have 4 more inches of hair to grow before my hair is long naturally.I refuse to see a stylist until this goal is acomplished,and can't wait until the day my hair is all mine.

25.I'm a fan of sex playlists.I have one in my ipod I have yet to use,however.

Blow Job Bear.

Me: "Don't I look cuddly though?"


My Sister: "Nope..accutally, you're freaking me out."


Me: "Oh..so like the blow job thing from the Shinning then?"


My Sister: *silence* "I think you hit the nail on the head."



Ahhhh prepping for photoshoots.

Soft.

Sometimes the condo life starts to eat away at me.
I don't have a lot to do here.The space is very small.Art projects are hard to finish.I'm around people even when I'm alone.

But the time I do get alone starts to suffocate me.

It makes me miss working a whole hell of a lot.


I've been feeling a little lonesome.I barely get a chance to talk to my Dad anymore.He's always working,and when he's awake his wife is always brow beating him about something,or asking him for money.So I leave him alone,give him the space I know he needs.But all I want is to just talk to him.About silly little things.Without having her cut in and fuck it all up.Make a nice thing into something shitty.

I miss my Mom.I talk to her on the phone often enough,but everytime I do see her its so different and weird.I was used to a routine,seeing my Mom come home everyday in her black Safeway visor and apron.Thinking about her being so far away from me now is very hard.I hate knowing that shes unhappy in her situation and I can't do anything about it.


I'm just feeling a little overhwhemled I suppose.I have things comming at me from many directions,and it's hard to make sense of it all on occasion.

I haven't seen a movie in a bit.I'd really love to do that.Go out to eat.Something.


Ahh blogspot,you aren't meant for rambling.

Bad Apple Apparel

Our 1st 2 dresses,completed.I'm so stoked.

I have the biggest school girl crush...

On Charlie Day from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.



Why you may ask?

Well...there are several reasons.

1.The BEARD : I think most people know (and if you didn't you do now) my kryptonite is a beard on a man.So many women detest a man with facial hair.I am not one of these women.A beard just screams hot,awesome sex.Seeing a man with a beard is like seeing the virility dripping off of his face.I can honestly say 75% of men look good,if not better,with a beard.And Charlie has a fine one.

2.The FACE: Other than Charlie having a mighty glorious beard,he also posseses quite a lovley face.He has a beautiful jawline that's manly but not overbearing.He is the proud owner of a wicked smile.He has a cute little nose and the most GORGEOUS green eyes.Oh shit.I think I'm falling in love.

3.The HAIR: Charlie always somehow seems to have the most perfect hair.Its a beautifully coiffed masterpeice that takes on the apperance of acctually not being coiffed at all.Its the kinda hair that screams bedhead.Touseld and sexy.Totally gorgeous.I just want to touch it.(among other things.)

4.The BODY: Charlie doesn't have scuplted abs like a greek god.His guns don't appear to be worthy of entering into a show.But,this is probably why I think he's so damn sexy.When it comes to a man that I'd be interested in boning,I don't look for a man who spends more time at the gym than going out and living life.I appricate a little effort in staying fit,but I like a guy to have a little bit of a belly.Its just damn cute.It shows me he probably wouldn't mind being spontaneous and getting some ice cream at midnight.

5.The MAN: Although Charlie has everything I could possibly want in looks (Dark Hair,wicked smile,nice hands,..I'm pretty basic here people) Its his personality that is the deal sealer.Charlie is both witty and charming.His blunders are too adoreable to ignore and just end up making him endearing.He seems to try his hardest though he knows failure is probably immanent.He's a great schemer,therefore making him intellegent and a dreamer.He has a very innocent way about him,that makes me just want to cuddle with him deep into the hours of the night....or make him a sandwhich.But his obvious masculine prowess makes me want to rip all his clothes off and have my way with him.


I'm sick,I know.But if he wasn't married and I knew my Grandpas seccond cousin a little better,I'd be all over that shit like white on rice.

2009

My 2009 blogspot resolution is to write in this thing a little more.

I need to:
- stop having writers block
-random updates
-do a little traveling.travel blogs are the shit.


So there you have it.Hopefully 2009 is as awesome as I have planned it to be.So far I have been adhearing to my 'resolutions' pretty well.A lot of it is personal improvement that I have been putting off out of laziness.

So far in 2009 I have been ...
-exercising like a motherfucker.Looking pretty damn good.
-doing something different with my makup every day
-expanded wardrobe
-bought more lingere (good for shoots)
-booked some awesome shoots
-learning a new word everyday
-finished preparation of photo project numero uno
-working on my phonetics and vocab
-tried to relax
-looked into classes at CSM
-got back into my skincare routines


Obviously some of my resolutions are more like lifestyle changes,which I'm excited to be working on.I have a much longer list of things I wanted to do this year,both on my blogs at Deviant Nation and Myspace.

Despite some things in my life still being a little less than awesome (not working,still sleeping on couch) I've been feeling optimistic about how this year will be for me.



So,Blogspot,I pledge to update you more often.

Pinkie swear.