Sand Trap.

I try to remember the little things that made up the reasons behind my affection.
Try to push back all the bullshit that has covered them.

Do you remember being little? Digging in the sand?
Do you remember thinking "if I keep digging..eventually I will get to the bottom"
After a while it didn't matter if what you were digging to reach for was good or bad..you just wanted to get to the bottom of it.

It's like that with him.

I dig and dig.I keep diging.Trying to find something.Anything.
Some treasure lost within this abyss.
For the life of me,I cannot find one single thing.
Anything that would have made this whole thing relevant.

It doesn't matter how that every time I saw him,He looked better than the time before.
It doesn't matter that he had a million little nicknames for me.
It doesn't matter that his hands would tremble when they would reach out for me.
No.
These things mean nothing.
They are broken peices of things that could have been valuable.
So withered and washed and weathered...
There's no way to peice them together to even try and make a whole.
There's no way to take them and try and make something worth while.

Are we really that jaded?
Can the heart make you see something that is not there..becuse it longs for love?
When does reality set in and set you straight?
2 years later...when it's almost too late?


(Wrote this back in Janruary...)

Inquisition.

Wating.




The Art.The Practice.The Way.

just how long can you hold out?




Nights spent within 4 walls.Thoughts boucning,collecting.Rictoching.

Thoughts piling.Each bounce becoming a bigger ball.

Each thought a colored rubber band.

Each complication tangling,making it larger.


With every waver in your tone.

With every missdirection in your so normal step.

With every difference,I am convincing myself of your inquisition.


your secrets.

your lies.



I wacth the minutes pass on the wall clock.
I wacth them pass on the tv.


I try and distract myself til I know something else.

I try and ignore the feeling in my gut.

I try and ignore my phone.

Sitting in its place.

Nothing new.




I've spent so many nights this way.

For so many years.




Tell me.


Has nothing changed?



Or have I just gone temporarily mad?