Blow Job Bear.

Me: "Don't I look cuddly though?"


My Sister: "Nope..accutally, you're freaking me out."


Me: "Oh..so like the blow job thing from the Shinning then?"


My Sister: *silence* "I think you hit the nail on the head."



Ahhhh prepping for photoshoots.

Soft.

Sometimes the condo life starts to eat away at me.
I don't have a lot to do here.The space is very small.Art projects are hard to finish.I'm around people even when I'm alone.

But the time I do get alone starts to suffocate me.

It makes me miss working a whole hell of a lot.


I've been feeling a little lonesome.I barely get a chance to talk to my Dad anymore.He's always working,and when he's awake his wife is always brow beating him about something,or asking him for money.So I leave him alone,give him the space I know he needs.But all I want is to just talk to him.About silly little things.Without having her cut in and fuck it all up.Make a nice thing into something shitty.

I miss my Mom.I talk to her on the phone often enough,but everytime I do see her its so different and weird.I was used to a routine,seeing my Mom come home everyday in her black Safeway visor and apron.Thinking about her being so far away from me now is very hard.I hate knowing that shes unhappy in her situation and I can't do anything about it.


I'm just feeling a little overhwhemled I suppose.I have things comming at me from many directions,and it's hard to make sense of it all on occasion.

I haven't seen a movie in a bit.I'd really love to do that.Go out to eat.Something.


Ahh blogspot,you aren't meant for rambling.

Bad Apple Apparel

Our 1st 2 dresses,completed.I'm so stoked.

I have the biggest school girl crush...

On Charlie Day from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.



Why you may ask?

Well...there are several reasons.

1.The BEARD : I think most people know (and if you didn't you do now) my kryptonite is a beard on a man.So many women detest a man with facial hair.I am not one of these women.A beard just screams hot,awesome sex.Seeing a man with a beard is like seeing the virility dripping off of his face.I can honestly say 75% of men look good,if not better,with a beard.And Charlie has a fine one.

2.The FACE: Other than Charlie having a mighty glorious beard,he also posseses quite a lovley face.He has a beautiful jawline that's manly but not overbearing.He is the proud owner of a wicked smile.He has a cute little nose and the most GORGEOUS green eyes.Oh shit.I think I'm falling in love.

3.The HAIR: Charlie always somehow seems to have the most perfect hair.Its a beautifully coiffed masterpeice that takes on the apperance of acctually not being coiffed at all.Its the kinda hair that screams bedhead.Touseld and sexy.Totally gorgeous.I just want to touch it.(among other things.)

4.The BODY: Charlie doesn't have scuplted abs like a greek god.His guns don't appear to be worthy of entering into a show.But,this is probably why I think he's so damn sexy.When it comes to a man that I'd be interested in boning,I don't look for a man who spends more time at the gym than going out and living life.I appricate a little effort in staying fit,but I like a guy to have a little bit of a belly.Its just damn cute.It shows me he probably wouldn't mind being spontaneous and getting some ice cream at midnight.

5.The MAN: Although Charlie has everything I could possibly want in looks (Dark Hair,wicked smile,nice hands,..I'm pretty basic here people) Its his personality that is the deal sealer.Charlie is both witty and charming.His blunders are too adoreable to ignore and just end up making him endearing.He seems to try his hardest though he knows failure is probably immanent.He's a great schemer,therefore making him intellegent and a dreamer.He has a very innocent way about him,that makes me just want to cuddle with him deep into the hours of the night....or make him a sandwhich.But his obvious masculine prowess makes me want to rip all his clothes off and have my way with him.


I'm sick,I know.But if he wasn't married and I knew my Grandpas seccond cousin a little better,I'd be all over that shit like white on rice.

2009

My 2009 blogspot resolution is to write in this thing a little more.

I need to:
- stop having writers block
-random updates
-do a little traveling.travel blogs are the shit.


So there you have it.Hopefully 2009 is as awesome as I have planned it to be.So far I have been adhearing to my 'resolutions' pretty well.A lot of it is personal improvement that I have been putting off out of laziness.

So far in 2009 I have been ...
-exercising like a motherfucker.Looking pretty damn good.
-doing something different with my makup every day
-expanded wardrobe
-bought more lingere (good for shoots)
-booked some awesome shoots
-learning a new word everyday
-finished preparation of photo project numero uno
-working on my phonetics and vocab
-tried to relax
-looked into classes at CSM
-got back into my skincare routines


Obviously some of my resolutions are more like lifestyle changes,which I'm excited to be working on.I have a much longer list of things I wanted to do this year,both on my blogs at Deviant Nation and Myspace.

Despite some things in my life still being a little less than awesome (not working,still sleeping on couch) I've been feeling optimistic about how this year will be for me.



So,Blogspot,I pledge to update you more often.

Pinkie swear.

Sand Trap.

I try to remember the little things that made up the reasons behind my affection.
Try to push back all the bullshit that has covered them.

Do you remember being little? Digging in the sand?
Do you remember thinking "if I keep digging..eventually I will get to the bottom"
After a while it didn't matter if what you were digging to reach for was good or bad..you just wanted to get to the bottom of it.

It's like that with him.

I dig and dig.I keep diging.Trying to find something.Anything.
Some treasure lost within this abyss.
For the life of me,I cannot find one single thing.
Anything that would have made this whole thing relevant.

It doesn't matter how that every time I saw him,He looked better than the time before.
It doesn't matter that he had a million little nicknames for me.
It doesn't matter that his hands would tremble when they would reach out for me.
No.
These things mean nothing.
They are broken peices of things that could have been valuable.
So withered and washed and weathered...
There's no way to peice them together to even try and make a whole.
There's no way to take them and try and make something worth while.

Are we really that jaded?
Can the heart make you see something that is not there..becuse it longs for love?
When does reality set in and set you straight?
2 years later...when it's almost too late?


(Wrote this back in Janruary...)

Inquisition.

Wating.




The Art.The Practice.The Way.

just how long can you hold out?




Nights spent within 4 walls.Thoughts boucning,collecting.Rictoching.

Thoughts piling.Each bounce becoming a bigger ball.

Each thought a colored rubber band.

Each complication tangling,making it larger.


With every waver in your tone.

With every missdirection in your so normal step.

With every difference,I am convincing myself of your inquisition.


your secrets.

your lies.



I wacth the minutes pass on the wall clock.
I wacth them pass on the tv.


I try and distract myself til I know something else.

I try and ignore the feeling in my gut.

I try and ignore my phone.

Sitting in its place.

Nothing new.




I've spent so many nights this way.

For so many years.




Tell me.


Has nothing changed?



Or have I just gone temporarily mad?